I Kissed A Girl
by 1000th Ghost
Summary: I need to lie down." "Wonderful! I'll go with you!" Arnold's thoughts during the confession scene.


I Kissed A Girl

By: 1000th Ghost

_This was never the way I planned_

Truth be told, his life was crazy. At the young age of nine years old, he had befriended Monkey Man, Stoop Kid, Pigeon Man, the Sewer King, and countless other, for lack of a better term, "freaks of nature". Yet a lifetime of adventure, danger, and surprises could not have prepared him for his most recent adventure with the possibly dangerous Deep Voice.

_Not my intention_

And _nothing _could have prepared him for the startlingly pleasant surprise it included.

_I got so brave, drink in hand_

He (well, she, but that important fact had not revealed itself at that moment) asked, or rather, pleaded for him to stay away. But he had had enough: he was tired, panicked, desperate, and feeling terribly audacious.

He backed him (her) into a corner in more than one way and…well, well, well. Deep Voice had more than a few mysteries up his (her, by this point) sleeve, didn't she?

And suddenly, his arch nemesis was cowering from his very presence. How could he help but get drunk on his own power?

_Lost my discretion_

She was under his control. He knew this, and he knew that she knew this.

And, fortunately for him, he knew that she knew that he knew this.

He advanced forward, not taking no for an answer.

But why? Why? Why indeed?

Better question: why did he care why?

She had helped him obtain the crucial evidence he needed; wasn't that enough?

But no, heavens no, he pressed further.

In a way, he deserved everything he had coming to him.

_It's not what I'm used to_

Since the dawning of their, 'relationship', could you dare to call it?, she had hated him. Well…maybe not the dawning, but any preschool memories of umbrellas and bows had long since been brutally massacred by the wrath that was Helga G. Pataki.

For six twisted, uncontrollable years, there had been one constant.

She hated him.

And now…?

_Just want to try you on_

"What else are you supposed to do when someone you love is in trouble?!"

'Love'? Well, this was certainly new.

Interesting…

_I'm curious for you_

Words streamed through his head; undecipherable phrases, nonsensical ramblings.

Stalking? Shrines? Poems?

…kiss?

_Caught my attention_

How ironic.

She made the choice to trap him in the same corner he had previously used to involuntarily subject her to his wishes.

His arms were caught in her viselike grip…she had him captured in more ways than he would have liked to admit.

And the look in her eyes…

Apparently, it was his turn to be forced into a situation.

In the words of the current holder of his arms, eyes, and mind, "Oh, criminy."

_I kissed a girl, and I liked it_

Wow.

_The taste of her cherry chapstick_

So, _this _was a kiss. An uninterrupted, unscripted, excuse-free kiss.

A kiss free of Shakespearean dialogue and obnoxious directors concerned with longevity.

A kiss with a girl who, at the moment, seemed to want nothing more than a taste of him.

_I kissed a girl, just to try it_

It would be so easy to give in. Her tongue slid across his tightly closed lips…she was trying so hard, silently pleading for him to respond.

_Hope my boyfriend don't mind it_

But Gerald was waiting with the cab…he would be impatient…there wasn't time…

_It felt so wrong_

And, of course, there was the small fact that they were both a mere nine-years-old.

Was it completely wrong, inappropriate, and slightly perverted?

Definitely.

Did he care?

_It felt so right_

He couldn't concentrate on the answer to that arguably important question with his head spinning.

Because the undeniable spark of electricity between them refused to have anything negative said about it.

_Don't mean I'm in love tonight_

Did he love her back?

She certainly seemed to think so.

But he didn't, of course. Seconds of passion couldn't make up for a lifetime of abuse.

Maybe if things had been different…but no.

He didn't love her.

_I kissed a girl, and I liked it_

"But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy her," he thought wickedly, allowing his eyes to close for a fraction of a second.

_I liked it_

All the while, trying desperately to escape her grip.

_No, I don't even know your name_

And suddenly, he won, and it was over, and reality came crashing through his skull.

_She _loved _him_?

A few minutes ago he hadn't even known the identity of Deep Voice, and now his self-appointed worst enemy burst from its disguise and said…

"Wait, I'm confused. Did you just say you _loved _me?"

Arguably not the most intelligent statement he had ever uttered, but his long-built-up defense of denseness and denial refused to fully comprehend the information.

_It doesn't matter_

Gerald's voice crackled over the walkie-talkie, yet another intrusion from the penetrating reality.

There was something…something important that they were supposed to be doing…

But his pigtailed seductress seized control once again and threw the cursed object away.

The desperate, fiery look was still in her eyes…she hadn't gotten her fill just yet.

_You're my experimental game_

Ignoring his protests, she tried again…and again…

It was new and terrifying and exciting and uncertain.

But it was too much.

It was _too _new…his head was spinning…he needed to lie down…

_Just human nature_

"Wonderful! I'll go with you!"

_It's not what good girls do_

The weight of her irrepressible words sunk in: this girl was no average fourth grader.

_Not how they should behave_

Fourth grade girls were supposed to be fast asleep, tucked in with their favorite doll, dreaming sinless dreams of fairy princesses and tea parties.

Fourth grade girls were not supposed to be illegally on the roof of a federal building, wrapping their arms around a bewildered boy, asking…asking…

_My head gets so confused_

'Wonderful! I'll go with you!'?

She couldn't be serious…

Well, she could, but that would mean…

Him…and her…and…

He needed an escape from himself, everything.

_Hard to obey_

"NO!"

The word burst from his mouth almost immediately.

His hands grabbed her shoulders in a panic-

-her right hand moved to his arm, possessively. He struggled to convince himself that he didn't want it.

She was not deterred in the slightest.

'No'?

Says who?

Certainly not her…

It was getting increasingly difficult to obey his own command.

_I kissed a girl, and I liked it_

_The taste of her cherry chapstick_

_I kissed a girl, just to try it_

_Hope my boyfriend don't mind it_

_It felt so wrong_

_It felt so right_

_Don't mean I'm in love tonight_

_I kissed a girl, and I liked it_

_I liked it_

"I mean…"

_Us girls, we are so magical_

She knew she had him. She was positively beaming, the epitome of ecstasy.

She knew there had been others before her, but she knew they were gone.

She knew of his fascination with the mystical female species in general, but she knew that he had narrowed his attention to her and her only.

_Soft skin, red lips_

'I mean…'

He closed his eyes and lowered his head.

Two words.

Two unplanned, uncontainable, dangerous, monumental words.

Two words, and he had destroyed his primary, steadfast refusal.

Two words, and he had introduced the concept of uncertainty.

Two words, and he had moved his 'no' towards a hesitant 'yes'.

_So kissable_

She was ready and willing.

Her breath was still on his lips…delicious and intoxicating…

_Hard to resist_

It was wrong, and he knew it was wrong, but somehow the knowledge and logic and reasons were slipping away, leaving only the promise of surrender.

_So touchable_

He was still holding her. His fingers were gripping her arms with bruising strength…she was soft and warm and his for the taking…

_Too good to deny it_

Less than a second had past, and his feeble attempt to clear mind of temptation had failed.

Yes, this was Helga, his personal tormentor.

But the things he already knew she was cable of doing and the things he was sure she would do…how could be help but want more?

_Ain't no big deal_

His watch beeped, piercing through the cloud of tentative desire surrounding his thoughts.

Yes, here was his escape, this small reminder of the greater cause, of something beyond this torrid darkness.

_It's innocent_

"There's no time for that!"

No time for _that_? What exactly had he meant by 'that'?

He mentally cursed himself for once again calling attention to the closeness of the situation.

But, regardless of anything, the danger had passed, and they were free to leave with little more than memories and questions.

_I kissed a girl, and I liked it_

_The taste of her cherry chapstick_

_I kissed a girl, just to try it_

_Hope my boyfriend don't mind it_

_It felt so wrong_

_It felt so right_

_Don't mean I'm in love tonight_

_I kissed a girl, and I liked it_

_I liked it_

His arms were once again holding her fiercely, and she did likewise.

The neighborhood…the neighborhood…somehow he had to break the spell that still hung over her.

After all, if the neighborhood wasn't saved, he might never see her again.

And, although 'love' was too strong a word, 'hate' was gone from the picture.

Nothing was certain, everything had changed, and he knew he would never be able to survive in a world without his pink-clad secret and the kisses she, in theory, withheld.

The End


End file.
